Our Precious Essence
October 2001
Islamabad, Pakistan — Speaking from the safety of the Pakistan capital, Afghani terrorist Mullah Sattar officially renounced ties to terrorism and to the al Queda terrorist organization today. The 24-year-old Afghani, who had been serving as a mid-ranking lieutenant in Osama bin Laden's operation, said in an emotionally charged press conference that he had undergone a change of heart after seeing displays of American patriotism.
Sattar's conversion began one week before, when he viewed video footage of patriotic displays in the U.S.: "I saw all those stars and stripes, and something just stirred in me, you know?" He said that his decision became final when he received one of the emails that had been forwarded around the U.S. in the days after the World Trade Center attack. The email contained an image of the World Trade Center reconstructed to look like a hand giving terrorists the middle finger: "When I saw that, I thought 'Wow, we only made them angry.' Then I thought, 'We shouldn't fuck with the U.S. of A.'"
There were many reasons, Sattar said, that he had joined al-Queda five years ago, including being brought up in an atmosphere of endemic poverty and religious fundamentalism, and his outrage over the death of 500,000 Iraqi civilians under the U.S. sanctions. The biggest reason, though, was simply jealousy of the U.S.: "I hated Americans because of all they had. I hated their freedoms. I hated their rock and roll."
Sattar's short-term plans are to turn himself in to U.S. authorities and assist with the government's military operations against bin Laden. While he said he is prepared for the possibility of serving prison time, he is also hopeful that when he is released he could live a "free, American life." "I'd like to get an internship at Rolling Stone," he said, "or maybe Maxim."
Washington, D.C. — The White House announced today that in order to help finance the war effort, the likeness of Secretary of State Colin Powell will be used to sell government-issued grocery items such as "Uncle Powell's Down-Home Flapjacks." According to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, this move simply formalizes the arrangement that has been in place throughout the Bush administration. "Although Colin Powell is in name the Secretary of State," Fleischer said, "it should be obvious to any outside observer that this administration has consistently denied him the opportunity to have any meaningful influence on foreign policy." Fleischer would not discuss which Colin-Powell-related products would be released in the future; inside sources say possible offerings include "Uncle Powell's Special Wild Rice Blend" and "Uncle Powell's Country Grits."
Chicago — U.S. Representative Jon Cordova (D-Illinois) told reporters today that he has no sympathy for friends and family of those who died in the Sept. 11 World Trade Center attack. "My heart most emphatically does not go out to the families of the victims," Cordova said while at a picnic for workers of a local General Motors plant. "You think you're the only with problems? I'm in the middle of a boundary dispute over my summer home, but do you hear me complaining about my moron Jew neighbor? Bitch, bitch, bitch." Later at the same picnic, Cordova punched a baby and called the factory workers "a bunch of illiterate Homer Simpsons with a major case of ass-crack."
Kabul, Afghanistan — Through operatives in Kabul, al Queda leader Osama bin Laden issued a statement apologizing for the Sept. 11 attack of the World Trade Center, although he insisted that the attack was "taken out of context." Arranging for hijackers to crash commercial airliners into both of the World Trade Center's towers, ultimately killing thousands of civilians, was "insensitive," he said, and "was not the best way for me to express my views." He apologized to the "thousands of people whose feelings may have been hurt when they were crushed under the towers or burned alive in the fire that led to the towers' collapse. If I offended anybody, I am truly sorry."
Taken back from the l33t Chinese h@}{0R2
First tracked November 18, 2004
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January 31, 2003
Jake
Yo Rimmer, could you put up some links or clips of the Joe Millionaire chick's foot videos.
Here you go, Perv
January 30, 2003
twitterpated
oh my. twitterpated... yes i am. Miss stAcE is a cutie.... moo.
Rimmer
You can't shoot pool with a rope but you could tie up a Joe wanna be Wife.
P.S. I want …