Bitter News Network Dec 2000

Our Precious Essence
December 2000

Israeli skin cells massacred by Palestinian dermaterrorist

Ramalla, West Bank — The death toll grew today in Israel, with the death of hundreds of skin cells belonging to an Israeli soldier. Three Palestinians died in the fighting as well.

The Israeli Army said that the fighting occurred when a Palestinian woman was arguing with an Israeli soldier and slapped him in the face. The woman was reportedly upset about her daughter, who had died four days before during routine bayonet testing, army representative Ehud Mofaz said.

Shaul Beilin, of the Zionist Dermatological Institute, said "We must remember that a single slap like that can destroy hundreds of Jewish skin cells in one fell swoop. What happened to that soldier was truly horrific - an epidermal holocaust of the highest order."

In retaliation, the soldier fired upon the woman, killing her and her two grandchildren instantly. "We sincerely regret the death of those however-many Palestinians," said Mofaz, "but we would like to point out that we, the Israelis, are the ones under siege here in the territories that we are occupying and purging of those of undesirable ethnicity."

Since the violence erupted on September 28, fighting in Israel has claimed the lives of millions of Israeli skin cells. Some Palestinians have died as well.

Unites States denies link between plants and oxygen

Tokyo — Talks at the United Nations Conference on Global Warming stalled due to the United States' refusal to sign a position paper stating that plants produce oxygen. "While we recognize that much of the scientific literature indicates that plants are responsible for the production of oxygen in Earth's atmosphere," said U.S. trade representative Albert Simonson, "we cannot sign this document until our ongoing research has proven this fact conclusively." He referred to U.S.-funded research that was trying to establish that oxygen may be produced by other factors, including nuclear waste, Nike running shoes, and parking lots.

Health officials warn of dangerous new trend among gay men: Orgasms

Chicago — Speaking at this week's National Public Health Symposium, researchers from the University of Washington warned of the public health ramifications of new figures that gay men nationwide are increasingly participating in the activity of sexual stimulus until climax, otherwise known as "orgasm". "Obviously, there is a risk of transmission of fluids involved with orgasm," said Dr. Jason Parrish. "But we should also be concerned that gay men looking for orgasms, or under the influence of the narcotic after-effects of orgasm, may make poor decisions that increase their risk of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases." Parrish went on to suggest a national health education program emphasizing possible orgasm alternatives, including celibate, non-masturbatory sexual frustration, and priesthood.

Election indecisions frustrate journalists anxious to praise, fellate President-elect

Washington, D.C. — The current election crisis makes effective journalism very difficult, Newsweek news editor Bill McConnell said today. In his keynote speech at the American Journalists Association convention, he said that the lack of a "honeymoon" period - the ritual during which journalists unanimously praise the President-elect - leaves himself and his colleagues at risk of having their ignorance exposed. "Is George W. Bush an arrogant good ol' boy whose privilege alienated the voting public, or a savvy consensus-builder who was able to bring all parties to the table? Until this election crisis is resolved, I don't know." If the crisis continues much further, McConnell said, "we may find ourselves in the difficult spot of being forced to do journalistic work without any lemmingesque groupthink to rely upon. I hope this matter is settled as quickly as possible, for the sake of us, and all of our careers."

Baby Boomer produces hit television special: "How our music was better than yours"

Revenge-seeking Democrats bomb Ralph Nader's office; casualties include black single mother, non-professional gay man, Asian nuclear scientist

Rodney Dangerfield to star in live-action "Peanuts" film

White suburban teenagers strike back against injustice and hegemony by smoking marijuana, talking like black people

A Silver Lining: In spite of stock market slump, rich people still "obscenely wealthy", economists report

Casual Fridays good for morale, says "Plantation Monthly"